The want to's and the have to's

I've been adjusting to my new schedule for the past two weeks. Working part time, in theory, was supposed to make more time for me to be blogging and developing Connect the Dots. I'm realizing that's a lot trickier than I expected! I've been a busy bee - running from the museum to New Urban Arts to the Hive and all over! I'm finally sitting down today to process it all.

{Bibs three ways for Megan's niece}

I've been feeling overwhelmed by Connect the Dots and my online class on Indie Biz. I'm at a scary point right now: I took this great leap in becoming part time. I'm taking the class because the timing seems perfect to be learning about getting my stuff together and getting serious about becoming profitable. And now, since I cut out half of my income, I have to make Connect the Dots profitable and sustainable. It's not just a la-la-la want to anymore. I'm putting a lot of extra pressure on myself.

I think I'm afraid that Connect the Dots will become something outside of me rather than part of me, from my heart. I was in a staff meeting yesterday and my brain was just buzzing with this fear. As I pile up the things that I tell myself I "have to" do (ex. get the etsy site running, create marketing materials, produce business cards...) I realize that none of those things involve sewing, and even though I've carved out extra time for myself there still doesn't seem to be enough for both the business and creating to the extent that I want. I'm asking myself - where is the line between my have to and want to lists? Between this project coming from my heart and being an entity outside of me? Is this line just something that I dreamed up?

{St. Patty's Day headband inspired by Ruffles and Stuff}

I went to New Urban Arts yesterday afternoon feeling really distracted and conflicted about these questions. I was thinking - maybe I shouldn't be trying to make a business, maybe I should give up on that and just go back to weekend crafternoons and making things for friends.

Apparently I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I think, because one of my students, Stephanie, read me right away. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You seem really distracted today." I wasn't sure if I could go all into it with her - she's 17 and I hadn't even said it out loud to another adult yet. But I went for it - told her about my fears and big questions. She thought for a second and said, "Whatever you do, it should be fun for you." She suggested forgetting about the etsy site and instead advertising that if people are interested in my work, they should email me and I'll make custom pieces for them (which is how I prefer to work anyway). It was exactly what I needed to hear. It really amazes me how wonderful the students at New Urban Arts are - their maturity, and their ability to connect with adults on a level that I didn't know about. I think it comes from how their treated there - like peers/adults. They really rise to it.

So, I'm not going to give up on moving things forward, but I'm going to keep "It should be fun for me" as a guiding statement for myself as I see where this goes. Thanks, Stephanie.

Carole Ann